Miller’s Misadventures – Uglacy 1.0
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This is where my founder, Gordon Miller, lives.
He’s fairly handsome looking, as you can see. I’m going to see if, within 10 generations, I can twist Gordon’s DNA this and way and that until I have the ugliest heir possible. To make this even more interesting, I have shortened their lifespan’s to about 33 or 34 sim-days.
Gordon is a kleptomaniac, you see, and I thought I might have him exercise a little at the gym to prepare him for the career. (I ended up putting him in Law Enforcement, though.) But, really, honestly, he was here to use the bathroom and take a shower since he didn’t own a shower himself.
Gordon’s not the most athletic. In fact, he’s charismatic, a kleptomaniac, and a slob. What a combination.
“Hey, baby, I like your strong cheekbones. You would make a fine wife of an heir of the Miller Uglacy.”
Whoa, Gordon, you do realize she’s still in highschool. Ease up.
“Hey, hey, hey- I said heir, didn’t I? Hopefully she won’t be dead by the time my baby is born.”
… Okay, Gordon. That’s still a little creepy, though.
“Hello, pretty lady…”
Gordon, seriously, she’s a teenager.
“A man can still look, can’t he?”
Gordon is officially a cradle-robber. What a weirdo.
He talked to a potential wife, but honestly she doesn’t seem ugly enough. They didn’t really hit it off, anyway.
“Hello, mama! Your fat lips and wide nose give me the tingles! Come on, leave your boring, un-legacylicious husband for me, please? Us legacy boys have the magic touch, am I right?
“Well… I’ve always wanted to be in a legacy…”
“Mom… what are you doing?”
“So… okay… if I get to be in your legacy family, then that means we’re in a nice, new house, right? You aren’t the founder, right?”
Oh, crap. There goes that potential wife…
“Oh no, of course not! I’m not a lowly founder that has to share the same space as the zombies outside! Yeah, my family has a HUGE brand spankin’ new house, baby.”
Gordon, that wasn’t very nice of you.
“Come on, she wouldn’t have never left her husband for an empty lot!”
I think she heard you, dude.
Ended up our perfect potential wife didn’t like him, either, after figuring out that he lived in an empty lot. But that’s okay, because THIS lady is uglacy material!
While shmoozing that other chick I saw this beauty. Her nose could do wonders to Gordon’s offspring. Maybe I’ll hit her up if the other girl doesn’t work out.
So, while we were at the pool (it was of course a full moon), a bunch of zombies started trudging about, deciding it’s time for a dip in the pool (I actually had no idea that zombies could swim…)
“Um, Gordon, can we go back to your place?”
“I’d thought you’d never ask, sweetcakes … Give me some sugar…”
“No, seriously, Gordon, we gotta go. That zombie wants your legacy brains.”
Well. This is an improvement. I guess.
“Gordon… uhm… you know that I live in a huge house? Why would I want to live with you? Ugh, I’m so turned off now.”
“Oh come on, now, baby, let’s look at the stars after we finish our romantic dinner.”
Pssh. yeah. Your romantic TOILET dinner.
“Oh my little snuccums, I know I don’t have much, but I know that I can’t live without a woman with such beauty that could compete with the moon and stars.”
“Oh, Gordon! You’re so sweet! My husband never says such things.”
“Well, he’s blind not to see the beauty of your abnormally large jaw, my sweetcakes.”
Seriously. This girl was not into getting intimate with Gordon until after some star-gazing.
This bizzitch ended up not woo-hooing with him. I was hoping that maybe in the morning they could make some ugly, illegitimate babies but this zombie ho showed up.
No. Please no. My sim’s lifespan is shorter than the length of a bad cold. Please don’t. Gordon needs to make ugly babies, zombie!
F$#% you. Why????
When Gordon woke up he went to that girl’s house to do some skillin’ and lady lovin’ (I really can’t remember her name… I know, I know, I’m a bad simmer).
Oh yeah, and stealing her stuff. What a weirdo.
So after stealing her stuff and munching on the food that her husband made, Gordon and the mystery chick went to his house (note that he actually has walls! I updated his place by selling the fancy shmancy goods he stole).
“Hey, sexy. I know that the toilet is a stone’s throw from my bed of love, but pretty please let’s get freaky and make an heir.”
“Well… now that you put it that way…”
“Oh, Gordon! Take me!”
But… even so, she didn’t get pregnant, and she didn’t want to move in. Gah.
I found out, much too late, that I wasn’t interacting with potential wives correctly. I needed to spam friendly interactions to get them to move in with Gordon, and then spam romantic interactions to get her to marry Gordon. But I didn’t figure this out for a while.
On a side note, this is Gordon’s upgraded pad. It’s not much, but at least it keeps the zombies out.
Another view of his home (the toilet is literally on the far wall).
It has been a few days since he saw that other girl, and in this legacy that translates to months without contact. Thus, Gordon ages up without a baby mama.
He continues on with his life, writing reports on the Gym’s computer about the trash he just dug through.
Stealing things from stranger’s homes and autonomously hitting on anything with a vagina. (No, seriously, he did this)
“Hey sugar mama, I could show you the world, if you know what I mean.”
And so she decided to show him the door. Gah, Gordon! He got kicked out before he could steal anything.
Yes, the days went on and Gordon was eventually able to afford a couple of rooms. But Gordon was soon to be an elder, and he had no baby mama to love.
But one day, as he was choosing the fanciest house to burglar, he fell in love again with a sim named Amy.
“My hands work magic, baby. Please, come be in my legacy. You will experience things you have never experienced before!”
Like handling multiple toddlers and never getting any sleep and possibly living in a shack for the rest of your life and-
“Don’t listen to her- concentrate on my legacylicious hands of love…”
And look who showed up to the party that Amy and Gordon went to? Mystery bitch!
“I can’t believe Gordon is cheating on me with that skank!”
Well you got old and your eggs died so boo freakin’ hoo you had your chance.
“Come on, Amy. Let’s go back to my love shack for some legacy baby makin’. This party sucks.”
So they left to their love shack. But before we go, let’s examine the potential wife…
Amy is not really ugly, but Gordon’s rapidly on his way to become an elder- you can’t be too picky, unfortunately. Her nose might have some potential, though.
First kiss. Freakin’ finally.
Hmm. They really couldn’t stop once they got started.
And oh boy, they did not stop.
I think I heard a lullaby
Yep. One uglacy heir, here we come!
Tune in next time for Gordon’s misadventures.
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